thirty poems in thirty days

This month, I’m joining along with some others to write a poem a day for the whole month. I’m posting over at my new Tumblr account, so if you’re there, feel free to give me a follow!

Here are some of my favorite poems that I’ve written so far this month, and some thoughts about them.

This first one is about the loss of every disappointing relationship I’ve had and lost.

I lost the almost

I am not sad.
I do not mourn.
I am angry though,
a little jealous,
what could have been,
what i almost had,
but didn’t quite.
I lost the almost.

 

this next one was written with my four year old screaming at me, but i think it turned out okay for all that. I honestly tried to write a happy memory poem, but this came out instead. What happens, when you dig deep, is you uncover all the feelings you pushed down there ages ago.

Memories

I tried to write down the good memories
The feelings I miss.
Surely there is some scent, some tone, some touch, that I recall with a bittersweet fondness.
But I feel his arms around me too tight and too close.
I hear her voice, shrill and harsh and full of dark absolutes.
You always, you never.
Even the rare nice words were the same, you always, you never.
I miraculously transformed from a child of darkness
To a child of pure light, and back again,
Faster than a shooting star.
I remember her scent, lovespell, citrus and maybe too sweet,
At least in my memory it’s cloying, like her nice words we both knew I could never live up to.
And that smell takes me back,
To my clearest memories of her,
To feeling small, to being yelled at. The panic, the fear.
And the pleasant becomes unpleasant in memory.

 

I finally managed to write a happier poem, although to me it is bittersweet. These, most of them, are the songs of my childhood, long gone.

Lavender’s blue, dilly dilly
Sing me a song, make it silly
Up the water spout we’ll go
See soldiers marching in a row
Touch a twinkling little star
Find a piece of who we are
You can sing a song of sixpence
It doesn’t have to make sense
And as I lay me down to sleep
You’ll sing the songs I’ll always keep.

finally, today’s poem expresses how i feel about the poems I have been writing.

Mining for words

Digging deep
In the raw places
Pulling up pieces
Of a broken heart

 

you can see more poems at my Tumblr.

Writing poems this month has been an interesting exercise. It’s almost therapeutic, since i am writing so much about memories and deeper feelings. Yesterday, I started about 5 poems, all sad memories, and ended up writing one that was a compilation of ideas from all of them. It was exhausting, dredging up some of that stuff. Good poems are specific, so i tried writing in specific detail in my ditched drafts. It was a bit much for me.
But it needs to be done, even if it stays private. Things must be brought into the light, if they are going to heal. they can’t heal if they stay festering in the darkness.

In The Tao of Fully Feeling, Pete Walker (who also wrote Complex PTSD) writes that in order to have forgiveness (and healing) we must first blame. How can we forgive if we don’t know what we are forgiving and who? We can only have a shallow, fake sort of forgiveness, without blame. That is why bringing up bad memories is so important. So we can look at them, at their effect on us, and then let them go. I’m oversimplifying of course, Walker spends a lot longer talking about this. I haven’t finished the book yet, but so far i recommend it.

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