Luke likes this British TV show called Spaced. Don’t ask me how he even finds some of the stuff he watches 😉
So he excitedly had me watch an episode of Spaced. I like to enjoy the things that he enjoys.
But I really did not enjoy this show. I thought it was weird, and it stressed me out for some weird reason. I’m really sensitive to media and careful about what I take in.
Once upon a time, i would have felt really bad and tried really hard to like it. But I don’t feel that way any more.
Luke is his own person, and I am my own person. Even though we are married to each other, we retain our own likes, dislikes, hobbies, and personalities.
I used to feel like being married meant my entire personality was subject to Luke’s likes and dislikes. I thought I could only have hobbies that benefited the family, that I could only enjoy things if they were enjoyed with Luke, that as my ‘lord’, he was supposed to absorb my entire being.
I went to church even though it made me physically ill, I ran errands for his role in a play that I didn’t want him to take, I dreamed of one day starting a home business with him, so I could help him with it. I did my best to be a perfect helpmeet. And I was happy. Sort of.
I was still me, and Luke wanted me to be myself, but there was a very real part of me that I lost in him. I had zero boundaries.
Then Luke lost his job as a magazine editor (and i lost my very part time job helping him edit once a month), and got a relatively normal desk job.
And he really liked it, and didn’t forsee quitting to start his own business any time soon. And I felt so lost. How could I be the perfect help meet if he had a desk job that I could barely understand and couldn’t help with at all?
He had, at that time, no hobbies for me to help with, no friends for me to encourage him to go out with… I felt purposeless.
And so I have slowly had to get myself back, to learn that absolute submission does not allow for healthy boundaries, and to learn how to be a person in a marriage while still being myself.
And that is why I said ‘no thank-you, I don’t think I will watch any more Spaced’. So he watches Spaced and British horror movies on his own, and I watch Dance Academy on my own, and I write my blog and he writes what he wants, and together we talk over things and watch Doctor Who. I listen to music he finds but if I don’t like it, I tell him so.
He works and I go to college and keep the kids during the day, and I read books just to learn, to become a smarter and more self-actualized version of myself.
Our marriage is no less healthy for me being a person with boundaries, in fact I think it’s only getting better.