check on your marriage. not.

When we were in the early days of marriage, i followed some marriage bloggers. They advise frequnet dates, and frequent check ups. Make sure you’re doing the right things, make sure you aren’t ‘giving your husband reason to stray’, make sure to stay connected.

You could go frantic with these daily checkups. I basically did. I was constantly panicking that Luke was going to leave me, constantly doing mental check lists. Any time I found that we seemed a tiny bit more apart than on our honeymoon, I was certain it meant we’d end up in a cold and unhappy marriage forever.

I’ve started ignoring any blogger that constantly posts ‘check on your marriage’ updates.

Ebbs and flows in relationships are normal. You’ll go through times that sex is less frequent and a date is way out of reach. This doesn’t mean you’re headed for an affair. This is natural. I learned that while reading up on object permanence.

There are times when you’d both rather spend time reading than having a deep heart to heart. This doesn’t mean you’re doomed to divorce or a cold marriage forever. It just means your interests are heading in a different way for a little while.

It isn’t that marriage doesn’t take work – it does! it’s just that constantly monitoring your relationship out of fear isn’t healthy.

If you constantly weighed yourself throughout the day (not, ahem, that I would ever do this.) you’ll gain weight after eating. It doesn’t mean you’re on the road to getting fat, and it sure as hell doesn’t mean you shouldn’t eat. if you’re tired one morning, it doesn’t mean you have a deep depression. You may just be tired. If you’re happy, it doesn’t mean you’re manic. you might just be happy.

Life is full of ups and downs, better times and worse times.

You don’t have to freak out and pull out all stops to fix things every time things seem worse. sometimes you can just ride it out.

Object permanence – I’m learning that he’ll still be there even if i don’t fix our ‘apartness’ with a date night every week and a list of fifty questions designed to pull couples together.

I resolve to quit fretting so much, to quit the daily checkups and relax more. A relationship is to be enjoyed, not to be clung to out of terror of losing it.

And any blogger telling me to do frequent checkups out of fear will get ignored.


One thought on “check on your marriage. not.

  1. bornsirius

    Lana this is fantastic. When I was married, I was really stuck in the mindset of “have to make sure our marriage is sound!” and was doing a lot of the things you mentioned in this post. I’m so glad you brought this up, I haven’t thought about it before and it’s good to keep in mind for future relationships.


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