Already Broken Heart

I had a realization yesterday; it’s not an entirely new one.

I was pondering forgiveness, and how long healing can take, in connection with the time Luke did something that hurt me really badly and we had our biggest fight ever. And I realized that what he did wouldn’t have hurt so bad if i hadn’t already been hurt in a similar place by my parents; if i hadn’t already been so raw, and terrified of abandonment and losing love.

(I storifyed the tweets that led to the realization)

musings on healing from hurt

in which i ponder the time luke really hurt my feelings

  1. One time Luke did something that hurt me deeply and he felt bad but then he ‘got right with god’. Imagine his surprise when I was still mad.
  2. Actually I was mad only after crying myself to sleep that night. Next day we had our first big fight. Biggest fight ever, probably.
  3. We made up though. i guess he learned not to apologize to god for things he did to me & I guess I learned 2 b more upfront about my feelings
  4. Gosh that was a long time ago. Six years this past December. I still feel abandoned & stressed around the anniversary of that day.
  5. although, this year I was able to focus mostly on the positives, how we grew and what we learned. It took 6 years though.
  6. We both learned that healing takes time, and forgiveness isn’t something instantaneous.
  7. I forgave him, but it took a long time to completely heal my trust, and what he did wasn’t even objectively that awful.
  8. But there are consequences when you hurt someone, even if you didn’t really mean to. And broken trust is often a part of that.
  9. And I had to choose to forgive, best I could, every time I remembered. And he had to put up with me remembering. Healing comes slowly.
  10. I think, what he did struck me in Avery raw place; a place other people had hurt me. And maybe he dealt with more fallout than he deserved.
  11. But maybe that’s what makes @LukeHobbs so amazing. He’s helping pick up the pieces of a heart he didn’t break.

He’s dealing with an already broken heart. Everyone who interacts with me is. I have a thousand tender places and I’m used to being hurt, and that’s something that affects every relationship, and non-relationship. It affects every encounter, perhaps.
I wonder sometimes if i was born with a broken heart.

I don’t know what to do about it, except to acknowledge that I *am* a very sensitive person, and to keep that in mind when my feeling are hurt. I think when someone has been emotionally hurt a lot, it’s easier for their brain to travel down the path to hurt feelings. The brain is used to it. I don’t know if I’m right but it makes sense and my therapist suggested something similar once.

Now, i want to be careful not to use this knowledge about myself to gaslight myself, but just to recognize that people may not be used to dealing with someone as prone to getting hurt as myself, to have a little compassion on them even while feeling hurt.

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