I bought some new exercise equipment this week, after about two weeks of agonizing:
I want it. Would I use it? I think so. Is it what i need? perhaps. Can we afford it? yeah. Do we have room for it? yes. barely. Do I deserve it?….
I didn’t actually articulate that last question, but it was there, the root of my hesitance to buy the equipment. If Luke had wanted it, I wouldn’t have hesitated. I would have been thrilled that he wanted to get into shape, and happy that we had enough room and money to get it for him. Last winter, when he wanted to start running, I was the one who insisted we get him running pants and new shoes.
but for me? I’m not worthy of spending money on. I hated spending $7 on the mascara I like. I have to be talked in to buying clothes that i need. (except my new jeans. i love my new jeans, and how they look on me, i guess i’m improving some?)
After making sure Luke approved of the equipment (it would be in our room, and bought with our money), and was in favor of it, I eventually bought the machine despite my hesitance. It should arrive soon. But i feel guilty for spending money on me, and for taking up valuable floor space with stuff for me. I didn’t cancel the order though.
This is going to be a lifelong battle, this feeling of worthlessness, this shame of being me.