somebody tell me what to do!

I have trouble making basic decisions. Big decisions are paralyzing.

I’m nearing the end of my first semester back to school. My one class was a pretty fun, fairly easy fiction writing workshop. It was an elective. I took it more for the chance to be around other adults than anything else.
And now here I am, facing a new semester with two classes, one for my minor and one for my major. More serious classes, requiring more serious brain engagement, and I don’t know whether to take them or quit college again.
I am majoring in Media Communications, but other majors have begun to appeal to me. So what should I do? Do I even want to major in MC? I don’t know.
Do I even want to go to school at all? Do I want a job afterwards or should I skip it all and stick to trying to write and get published?
I’m not used to making decisions like this.
My future was all planned out. After finishing homeschooling, I was going to go to college. Then in college, I got married and was going to quit school if I got pregnant (I ended up quitting earlier), and then I was going to be a stay at home mom, and have ‘as many children as God gives us’ (no decision necessary). Then I was going to homeschool those children, then in 30 or forty some years when all the kids were grown up and graduated, I would have time to write.
It was all decided
But we’ve decided not to have any more kids, at least for now, and we’re not planning to homeschool, and in fact are going to send the kids to part time preschool next semester, and with those decisions, my future is no longer all planned out.
I have options for the future, I might get the first real job of my life in the next few years, and I am terrified.
As stifling as a scripted life can be, it’s safe; it’s comfortable in a cramped sort of way. I didn’t have to take responsibility for many decisions.
I no longer have my mom scheduling my homeschool day, or my dad telling me what major he thinks would be helpful to my husband. I no longer have God insisting I be a submissive, stay at home wife and mom.
I decide where to go and when (mostly nowhere), and I decide what to major in, if anything.
And sometimes I miss the days when i didn’t have to make and own my decisions. It’s terrifying to hold your life in your own hands.
Does anyone want to boss me around?
But no. Because even if I hand the decision making to someone else, I still have to live my life and live with the choices I make (even if that choice is to follow other’s prescriptions for life).
There is no perfect decision maker, there is no formula for a perfect life. There’s just me, trying to do the best I can do, and owning my decisions.

7 thoughts on “somebody tell me what to do!

  1. Daisy Dial

    Well for what it’s worth, there is a strange kind of simplicity to having a 40 hour a week job, even though most days it is the last place I want to be. I love consistency, I thrive on it. I would not know what to do if I did not work for someone else.

    As for going to school, I spent 3 1/2 years in college preparing for the absolute worst vocation for me. I was studying child development, and it turns out I really don’t care to be around children. It took one of my peers to point out that I really like math (consistency), and I ended up getting a degree in Accounting. Were those 3 1/2 years a waste of my time/life? Absolutely not. Though I would never go back, those years had great purpose for me.

    Obviously no one can tell you what to do, if it isn’t your decision, it will mean nothing to you. Now that I am older looking back on my life, I wish I would have known to follow my heart, go with my gut, listen to the little butterflies in my stomach trying to ward me off something or someone. So I guess that is what my advice to you is.

    1. lanamhobbs Post author

      I decided to hash out everything with my husband and listen to my gut (I’m not good at that) and realized that my problem isn’t the degree, it’s more that i’m not ready for two classes and taking the boys to preschool two days every week. I’m gonna take a single night class this semester and I’m really happy with that decision. and then the next semester hopefully I’ll be ready for more and i’ll take a survey class for media comm, and see if it’s what I want to do. I kinda have weird but extreme social and car-driving phobias, but I’m slowly getting better.

      1. Lana

        Girl, I get you. The most stressful part of my semester hasn’t been the overwhelming workload (and not even my semesters where I took 6 classes compares to the load I have now). It’s the social part. And getting to class through either a bike or bus, both of which go through compact roads. I come home in a knot. I don’t know why I have this problem with being around people, but it makes me so nervous. Just remember. It’s better to take it slow than never finish!

        For what it’s worth, I think a lot of people don’t know what they want to do. It may just be a more uncomfortable feeling for homeschoolers because we never thought about it before, but it’s not necessarily abnormal. Another issue for me is that I wasn’t prepare to work a job, so I have phoebia about that that others do not.

        I don’t know what kind of books you want to write, but keep in mind it often involves media spotline or others taking notice.

  2. Meggy

    I say just give it some thought and go for what you want to do and will enjoy! I wouldn’t worry about the job part yet unless you are really doing it for the money…I started out just because I loved design and wanted to have fun with it, and today I started my first real go-to-an-office job just out of the blue…and it was fun! I guess what I mean is, if you love what you do you’ll never work a day in your life. So take what you want to do now, MC or otherwise, and enjoy it and think about a job later! Besides, if you see something you want to do more later you could always just change your mind and do it…Ethan has said before he is doomed to be a lifelong student because one thing leads to another and he just wants to do it all lol!!!

    1. lanamhobbs Post author

      Thats good advice 🙂 I think I’ll take the intro to comm class next fall ( not offered in spring) and see if I like it, and if not I’ll switch to English, which I know I would enjoy.

      1. Lana

        In our English department, we took a bit of everything, including linguistics and advance composition. Keep in mind it is not a very useful degree, but I did enjoy it. You can grade essays with Pearson from home with that degree. So it has a few things you can do, but none to make much money. But hey, I’m working on a masters in philosophy now. I am in love with my useless degress.

  3. Pingback: Somebody Tell Me What to Do! | H . A

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