Lately I have been depressed. I don’t know if the meds aren’t helping or are causing it, or are helping but not enough, but i’ve been very depressed. Called my prescriber about it; we’ll get it figured out.
Today is an up-day energy wise, which gives me enough energy to admit it to the world: i’ve been very depressed.
I have trouble waking up in the morning, and even more trouble showering and getting dressed.
Self care lately consists of a bath in lavender epsom salts and permission not to be okay. I still try to keep laundry washed (I feel so accomplished putting a load in the washer every morning) but folding is beyond me. I wish I had the sort of friend who’d come fold my clothes (I’ve heard they exist and admire that sort of person) 🙂
But I do have the sort of husband that will come home and make sandwiches for all of us on his lunch break, and that makes me feel loved.
We get by. Someday I hope to thrive but for now I muddle through the darkness, laughing at it when I can because I know it’s a lie. Depression tells lies in my head but it’s real enough in my body to knock me flat.
My current favorite movie is Silver Linings Playbook. We rented it again last night. It’s just the sort of romantic comedy this depressed but trying woman needs. Awkwardness, dysfunction, love, light, and a reminder that we can work for a shot at a silver lining.
I’m learning to listen to my brain and body, to get away from people before I get peopled out, to go to bed before I hit the stage of tiredness when I lose all rationality (I call it ‘turning into a pumpkin’ – like in cinderella. Just one way to laugh at the crazy.)
Life is hard right now, that’s no lie.
Suicidal thoughts are trying to come back but I don’t entertain them much anymore. That’s one thing about being an agnostic: I don’t have a heaven to rush off to. I know that no matter what “jerkbrain” (as a friend calls it) says, my husband and boys are NOT better off without me, and I know that life WILL get better. It IS getting better, these have just been a few hard weeks.
I hope to get back to the sort of thoughtful posts i enjoy writing, but wanted to just put this out there into the blogosphere: This is life with mental illness. I’m not really okay right now, and that’s okay.
I love comments, so a few comments on this post will make me happy. Here are some questions you could answer: what do you do when you’re too depressed to move? what is something that makes life worth living for you? what is your favorite movie or book when you’re sick?