big depression is back

Lately I have been depressed. I don’t know if the meds aren’t helping or are causing it, or are helping but not enough, but i’ve been very depressed. Called my prescriber about it; we’ll get it figured out.
Today is an up-day energy wise, which gives me enough energy to admit it to the world: i’ve been very depressed. 

I have trouble waking up in the morning, and even more trouble showering and getting dressed. 
Self care lately consists of a bath in lavender epsom salts and permission not to be okay. I still try to keep laundry washed (I feel so accomplished putting a load in the washer every morning) but folding is beyond me. I wish I had the sort of friend who’d come fold my clothes (I’ve heard they exist and admire that sort of person) 🙂
But I do have the sort of husband that will come home and make sandwiches for all of us on his lunch break, and that makes me feel loved.

We get by. Someday I hope to thrive but for now I muddle through the darkness, laughing at it when I can because I know it’s a lie. Depression tells lies in my head but it’s real enough in my body to knock me flat. 

My current favorite movie is Silver Linings Playbook. We rented it again last night. It’s just the sort of romantic comedy this depressed but trying woman needs. Awkwardness, dysfunction, love, light, and a reminder that we can work for a shot at a silver lining.

I’m learning to listen to my brain and body, to get away from people before I get peopled out, to go to bed before I hit the stage of tiredness when I lose all rationality (I call it ‘turning into a pumpkin’ – like in cinderella. Just one way to laugh at the crazy.)

Life is hard right now, that’s no lie.

Suicidal thoughts are trying to come back but I don’t entertain them much anymore. That’s one thing about being an agnostic: I don’t have a heaven to rush off to. I know that no matter what “jerkbrain” (as a friend calls it) says, my husband and boys are NOT better off without me, and I know that life WILL get better. It IS getting better, these have just been a few hard weeks. 

I hope to get back to the sort of thoughtful posts i enjoy writing, but wanted to just put this out there into the blogosphere: This is life with mental illness. I’m not really okay right now, and that’s okay. 

I love comments, so a few comments on this post will make me happy. Here are some questions you could answer: what do you do when you’re too depressed to move? what is something that makes life worth living for you? what is your favorite movie or book when you’re sick?


4 thoughts on “big depression is back

  1. Ahab

    When my depression became too severe to ignore, I went to the doctor and received a prescription for escitalopram. I’ve been taking it for the past five and a half years, and it’s a god-sent.

    I hope your prescriber can get you on a regimen that works for you. No two depression sufferers are alike, and each individual requires something different.

    To answer your question, the things that make life worth living are loving communities, constant opportunities to learn, and doing things that foster justice.

  2. Daisy Dial

    Though I am not experiencing any depression (ok maybe a little) right now, I have, and for me it is debilitating. I literally just want to sit and stare into space. Watch TV without watching TV, Sleep & not associate with anything in my life.

    I am so sorry you are going through this. There is nothing quite like it, and those who have not gone through it do not understand it at all.

    I truly believe that people who have made the effort to understand depression, either their own or those around them, learn how to understand people better. It’s hard for me when my family or friends think that “getting out for a girls night”, is the answer, because that is what they need, and so many of us cannot help but judge the people around us by their own set of standards. They have no idea that the very thought of a “girls night out”, makes my stomach turn and my anxiety to come on. I think I finally have a grip on what I need, and I tell them what I need. Rather they understand, respect or judge me for it is on them.

    Lucky for me, my wife suffers from the same syndrome, so we can remind each other that what other people say or think about us is none of our business.

  3. aurorabo

    You are so brave just to share your symptoms and where you’re at right now. It’s very normalizing for other depression sufferers (like, right now, me).

    Different things work for different people, for sure. I second you on the baths. For me, another important thing is to impose a structured sleep schedule — sleeping all morning leads to wakefulness all night, which leads to bad things. I still find myself able to read while I’m depressed, but I often choose short stories or reread favorite young adult books. (If my best friend sees Harry Potter on my Goodreads, she calls to check in!)

    Finally, I remind myself that thinking depression will never end is a symptom of depression. It’s a disease that affects the part of your brain where you see the future clearly. It WILL get better. You’re doing the right things.

  4. jery

    I used to use caffeine pills when I was depressed and had to work. I wouldn’t really recommend it. I got my work done in a normal amount of time, but it also affected my moods in unpredictable ways. Some days I just had more energy, but on other days caffeine turned my depression into a general rage at everything or a very unpleasant mixed state. I worked by myself milking cows so it didn’t matter if I acted normal or not. It wouldn’t have worked if I had been around other people.

    I stay alive for two of my siblings and a nephew. I know it would pain them if I killed myself.

    I like to watch or listen to comedians when I’m down. Even if I’m too depressed to laugh, smiling usually makes me feel better for a few minutes. I listen to songs like the Chillout song by Ze Frank. And I read blogs like yours, watch videos of Stephen Fry talking about depression and bipolar, and read my favorite book about bipolar disorder, Welcome to the Jungle by Hilary Smith.Knowing that other people are dealing with the same issues I am makes life feel more doable.


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