I had to ask for help today.
It’s becoming increasingly clear to me that our firstborn child, Aiden, is not what people would call ‘neurotypical’.
He’s a rather difficult child, but sometimes I can tell he’s fighting with himself. I think he doesn’t understand his brain and my heart hurts for him even as his behavior irritates me.
At first, I thought Kieron was neurotypical, but as he gets older (he turned two in February) I begin to see signs that he might have a bit of a ‘special’ brain too.
There’s a chance they might be bipolar.
I know I am.
Or maybe they have aspergers. or sensory processing disorder. I don’t know.
Regardless of diagnosis and actual problems, sometimes we’re all ‘off’ on the same day. I can’t help them with their issues as much if I am struggling with mine, and when they’re both triggered and having a hard time, at the same times as me…it is not pretty.
Today I was having panic and hypersensitivity symptoms, Aiden was hitting Kieron and screaming for no reason, and Kieron was crying for no reason (except when he was crying because Aiden hit him). Kieron tattled on his hair for touching him, Aiden threw clothes everywhere and wanted to watch the same 30 seconds of the train video over and over. They both wanted their bottles refilled after just a few drinks (yes, they still use bottles ) and the noise was triggering for me.
Sometimes I lock myself in the bathroom for a couple minutes when the boys are too hyper, demanding, or loud for me, but Aiden was too violent to leave with Kieron, and Kieron was too sad to leave alone.
I felt like i just couldn’t take any more.
So I called my mother in law. And cried.
“We are all having a bad day and I need help.”
She cleared her afternoon and got the boys. She’s a wonderful person.
I told her I needed a longer term solution too. She said, ‘how about we make it through today’.
Then she came and of course the boys instantly became happy and (almost) well behaved (good but FRUSTRATING!).
I vented a little and showed off the work i’d done in the den.
Then we talked a little about options for getting help. I had no clue where to start. She has a friend with an autistic child and they got a lot of help through the school system and it was a wonderful experience all around for them. Then she took the boys leaving me with an open afternoon and a bit of hope.
Luke brought me a Whopper for lunch (my favorite), I took another of my anti-anxiety meds (I needed one last night too), and I’ll be doing some more self-care (probably a nap), after I spend some time researching preschool programs and where to get a screening for pre-k kids.
(If anyone can help point me in the right direction or recommend books, I’d appreciate it!)
Date night tonight since my in-laws will have the kids, I think we’ll go to Longhorn and then to Books A Million. Low pressure and fun!